Christmas Fun & Game Night

Wear something festive.
Bring a festive food.
Bring a festive $5 gift for the festive White Elephant Game.

Saints vs Bengals

The game starts at 12 noon, so you might want to go to the early service to make it here in time for the kickoff.

Bring tailgating foods and wear your black & gold.

For directions call 688-6700

Celebration In The Oaks

Meet at our house Friday afternoon. Leave by 7:00 pm.

Call 688-6700 for directions.

Visit http://celebrationintheoaks.com/cito10/ for more information on Celebration on the Oaks

Recommended Resources

Here are some books and web sites that Anita and I found very helpful during our years as singles and divorcees.

BOOKS

Making Peace With Your Past – By: H. Norman Wright

Single And Loving It – By: Kate McVeigh

Boundaries – By: Henry Cloud & John Townsend

I Kissed Dating Goodbye – By: Joshua Harris

Finding the Right One After Divorce: Avoiding the 13 Common Mistakes People Make in Remarriage – By: Edward M. Tauber & Jim Smoke

Boundaries In Dating – By: Cloud & Townsend

Date or Soul Mate?: How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less - By Neil Clark Warren

Love Smart – By: Dr. Phil McGraw

The 5 Love Languages – By: Gary Chapman

Men Are From Mars … – By: John Gray

100 Answers To 100 Question To Ask Before You Say I Do – By: Empson & Hagberg



WEB SITES

FocusOnTheFamily.com

ChristianityToday.com

Thrive Fun & Game Night

Bring Food. Bring Friends. Have fun.

This is a great opportunity to get rid of our Thanksgiving leftovers share a wonderful Thanksgiving meal together.

November 27th
7:00 pm - 11:00 pm
at The Lighthouse

Surviving The Holidays

Sunday November 14th
2:00 pm
at Todd & Anita's Home

After a divorce or during a separation the holiday season
can be a time of great struggle and even depression. We
will look at some strategies for handling the holidays and
building new traditions. This event will replace our Bible
study for November. It is for single and separated people
and is meant to build momentum going into our next
session of DivorceCare which will begin Sunday, January
9th.

Please pass this information on to everyone you know
who is divorced or separated.

Dating Like A Christian Part 5 When Should I Date?

A good thing at the wrong time … is a bad thing.

Sleep is a good thing. While you are driving it is a bad thing.

Singing is a good thing. While at the library it is a bad thing.

A phone call from an old friend is a good thing. At 4:00 am it is a bad thing.

Sex is a good thing. When you are not married to the person it is a bad thing.

You get the idea. Going out on a date can be a very good thing. At the wrong time it can be a very bad thing. So how do you know when it is the right time to begin dating?

Let me start with the obvious. If you are separated, but not divorced, it is not the right time. To be ready to date you must be single, as in not married, as in your divorce is final, as in you are legally a single person in the eyes of God and the state. I hate to sound so dogmatic and black and white, but some things really are just that clear cut. You are either married or single. There really is no gray area here. If you are separated, you are still married. If you have been living apart for five years but cannot afford to finalize the divorce, you are still married. Do not date.

You also need to be emotionally divorced before you think about dating. Your divorce may be final, but do you still feel married? Is there still any chance that you can be reconciled to your ex? Are you still entertaining fantasies that they will someday realize how big a mistake they have made and come crawling back? Do good or bad thoughts of your ex still take up a lot of your thought life? You are not ready to begin dating.

I did not mean to gloss over the possibility of reconciliation. Actually that is a very big thing. For myself, I did not feel comfortable considering a relationship with someone else until my ex had remarried. In some cases however, such as abuse for instance, reconciliation may not be possible or desirable. I have seen a very small number of people come to their senses and turn their life around and completely reconcile. This is a small minority though, they are the exception, not the rule. Still, out of respect for God's ways and the sanctity of marriage it is a good idea not to rush, but allow some room and time for God to work in the other person's life. I know that I felt better having given it every opportunity. That way you end up with no “if only”-s and regrets about how you should have given it a little more time.

What about your personal growth? Ask yourself a few pointed questions:

Have you had enough time to heal up from the hurts in your last relationship? Most people do not want to hear this, but experts agree that it takes an average of five years to recover from a divorce. Some use the figure of one year for every four years in the relationship.

Have you thoroughly worked through all the issues in your last relationship? A long term relationship is a very tangled web that takes a while to dissect and thoroughly analyze objectively. At first you may vacillate back and forth between “it was all my fault” and “it was all their fault”. It takes some time and some work before you can see it accurately.

Do you really understand what was their fault and what was your fault? If it is still all their fault, they will repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship.

Have you taken full responsibility for what was your fault and have you taken solid steps to better yourself in those areas? If you have not experienced any growth since then, you are not ready to date.

Do you have a healthy, balanced self image based on Biblical truth, not thinking less of yourself or more highly of yourself than you should? Your worth is determined by your Maker and the price He paid to redeem you, not by your feelings, your circumstances, or by the value that others place on you. This truth should be burned into you before you attempt dating.

Are you content or are you needy or even desperate? Needy people make terrible dates. You should never date as one. You should never date one. Become healed, whole and healthy before attempting to date.

Do you feel the need to rescue and nurture or be rescued or nurtured? If you are looking for someone to be your savior, be your everything, and nurture and rescue you, you do not need a date, you need Jesus. If someone is looking for someone to be their savior, be their everything, and nurture and rescue them, they do not need you, they need Jesus.

Are you rushing into dating to prove something to your ex? Why would you ever let them determine your actions or the timing of your actions again? If you are not free of their opinion of you, you are not ready to date.

What about your children? Are they ready to see you with someone else? Will going out or being in a relationship take you away from your children physically or emotionally at the exact time when they need all of your time and attention that they can get? They have just been through a divorce too. Their world has been turned upside down through circumstances not of their choosing. They need time to stabilize before you introduce more changes into their lives.

I also believe that you are not ready to date until you have the whole dating thing in proper perspective. Dating is about trying to find someone you can spend a lifetime with, not about finding the most physically attractive person that you can attract. (See the previous post about 'Why Should I Date')

You should also have a strong sexual code of ethics firmly in place before you ever go out on your first date. If you do not you will fall to sexual temptation. We are by nature and by design sexual creatures. What as youths we called making out is now what we as adults call foreplay. If you play with fire you will get burned. I have seen this happen over and over again. Without a plan firmly in place it will happen to you, yes you.

For myself, I was not ready to be in a relationship until I realized that being single, being alone, is far better than being in another bad relationship.

Finally, please do not let anyone else determine when you are ready to start dating or be in a relationship. Do not begin until you are good and ready.

Dating Like a Christian Part 4 Should I Date?

We have covered a few basics about dating. We know what a date is, what dating is, and we have some pertinent scripture to work with. The fact that we are discussing these things could lead some to the inaccurate perception that we believe everyone should be dating. This is not necessarily the case.

Please notice my careful wording in previous posts.

I see two main issues here: should I date at all; and am I ready to date at this time. It is the first issue that we will attempt to get some clarity on in this post. The issue of when will be tackled in a later post.

Should you date or not? I have no idea. I don't know you that well. But, I can give you some things to think about, such as - why do you want to date? As in most things in life what we do is only part of the story. Our motivation, why do or do not do a thing, is the real story.

There are some bad reasons not to date.

If you do not date, but do not do so because of fear, I would call that a terrible reason not to date. Fear of doing something keeps us from experiencing life at its fullest. Whether fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, or whatever your particular fear is, it is stealing opportunities for wonderful experiences from you. See it as the enemy. Fear is an obstacle to be overcome. To step out and conquer a fear is one of the best feelings in this life.

Another terrible reason not to date would be an unhealthy self-image. Seeing yourself as unworthy of someone's time or attentions is not profitable and not justified. Never let yourself, Satan, or other people get away with filling your head with those kinds of thoughts. Always challenge that thinking when it tempts you. Believe what God says about you in His Word. The price that He paid for you tells you that you are of great worth.

Perhaps you are not a great conversationalist. That skill can be learned. That says nothing about your intrinsic worth. Social skills can be improved. Appearances can be improved. Attitudes can be improved. Knowledge can be acquired. Your worth however, is already established. You are already created in God's image.

There are also some very valid reasons not to date.

If you want to date as a way to affirm your self-worth or gratify your ego, you should not be dating. Dates may go well or go horribly wrong. If your self worth is determined by your dating life you are in big trouble. Besides, as we discussed in the last section, your self-image should be already determined before you start dating (more on that in the post about “When Should I Date?”).

If you want to date because you feel lonely or needy, you should not be dating. Lonely, needy people make terrible dates. Don't be that person. And, dating will never solve that lonely feeling or cure that neediness any way. Those things should be dealt with in healthy ways before you attempt dating.

If you want to date to show your ex how in demand you are and that you've “still got it”, you should not be dating. If your ex is still controlling your decisions to that degree, you have a lot of work to do. It is especially easy to be tempted into this if they already have someone else. Resist. Live your life to please God. Live it in a way that will bring success. Do not live it to “show them”.

If you are looking for emotional or financial rescue, you should not be dating. God is our salvation. No human being will ever come in and completely rescue you. To believe that lie only sets you up for huge disappointments down the road. The best and healthiest relationships are entered into on an equal footing by two emotionally and financially independent people.

If you want to date for physical gratification, you should not be dating. The time for eros, romantic and sexual love, is a long way off. As Christians we believe that sex is for married couples. If you date for physical interaction, hugging, kissing and holding hands, it will inevitably escalate to acts of a more sexual nature. This is all but inescapable. We are sexual beings down to our very core. God created us this way. God has instructed us on the best plan for our sexuality, marriage. Rushing into a more physical relationship only brings temptation and frustration, and blinds you to the real character of the person you are dating.

If you feel you need someone now before you get any older, you should not be dating. Any thoughts that pressure you into rushing into dating are bad.

If you feel like you have to find a mom or dad for your children as soon as possible, you should not be dating. I have first hand knowledge of several people who have rushed into a relationship for that reason and have deep regrets about it now. This includes more than one whose children ended up suffering emotional, physical, and even sexual abuse at the hand of a step-parent. In your life in general, think about how many things you have rushed into that you ended up regretting later on.

After all of that perhaps you have changed your mind and are now thinking that I must be anti dating. Not so. There are some good reasons to date.

I cannot think of any other way to get to know someone than by spending some time with them. Of course that means spending the time with them wisely, in conversation and in situations where you can hopefully see who they really are. Overly romantic situations will not accomplish this (more on that in the “How Should I Date” post).

In addition to getting to know a particular person, spending quality time with different people of the opposite sex will help you learn about the opposite sex in general. It will also help you learn a lot about yourself, your preferences, how you feel around different types of people, and what is really important to you in another person.

Another good reason to go out on dates is because it can be just plain old fun. Anything fun to do can be even more fun with the right kind of person accompanying you.

And of course as a Christian, if it is done with right motives and in the right way, it can be an opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.

So there you have it, some very good and very bad reasons - to date - or not to date.

Either/Or Friday

Don't you just love this little bit of Fall in the air?

Let's do something this weekend. You are invited to our house Friday night at 7pm.

Either the weather will still be nice and we will light up the fire pit and roast some wieners.

Or, if the weather does not cooperate we will watch a movie.

Thrive Fun & Game Night

Saturday, September 25th - 7:00 pm at The Lighthouse

Fun & Games & Food - for singles!

Bring your favorite food & your favorite people.

You are welcome to bring your children to this event so long as you supervise them - especially around the food and the dart board.

6:45 Doors open
7:30 Announcements and Blessing of the Food
9:00 Food pick up - please take your leftovers
9:15 - ?? Feel free to hang around and enjoy some coffee and fellowship late into the night.

We will also be featuring a down-home mix of some of the best country tunes that I could find in Christian Music - like Kim Hill, Susan Ashton, The MidSouth Boys, Wes King, and others. Boots and Bolo Ties not required.

Dating Like a Christian Part 3 What Does The Bible Say?

We would have no business calling ourselves a Christian singles ministry if we did not search the scriptures to see what God has to say on the subject, and maybe seek the opinions of a few learned Godly people who have diligently studied the scriptures.

It would be great if there were scriptures saying:

Thou shalt not date

Thou shalt surely date

or

Thou shalt date according to these statutes

but I have not found them. You can look it up in your concordance or favorite Bible software too, it just is not there.

The thing is that dating was not the custom throughout much of history. In Bible times most marriages were prearranged by the families to forge alliances that benefited both families. The women especially had little or no say in who they would marry. Therefore the Bible has no advise for us regarding how to date.

Well, that is not exactly true. There are certain life principles taught throughout The Bible that do give us guidance in how we should relate to and interact with the opposite sex.

2 Corinthians 6:14

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness."

In view of what this scripture says, why would you ever consider a dating relationship with a non-believer? You would be unequally yoked. Spiritually you would be the one pulling the entire load. You would eventually tire out and give up. If you yoke up a strong ox with a weaker one, basically the stronger ox is pulling the load. No, I did not just call you an ox.

This concept also applies to other areas as well. You can be unequally yoked in many ways, spiritually being a very important one.

Proverbs 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

That is a pretty strong statement – “above all else.” I have found that people are way too quick to entrust their heart to someone else. Just because someone is physically attractive, or is doing well financially, or seems interested in you, does not mean that they deserve to be given as precious a treasure as your heart. You probably did not think that the last person you gave it to would break it. Guard it.

1 Peter 1:15-16

"But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy."

If you cannot be holy on a date, maybe you should not date. Why is it that some people fail to see how their Christianity is relevant to their personal life? For a Christian, dating should not be about finding a dark corner and doing what comes naturally. If you are a Christian, it should affect every area of your life, nothing should be off limits.

And, there are practical benefits too. We will get into that more in a later post.

1 Corinthians 10:31

"Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God"

Therefore, whether you date or do not date, marry or remain single, do all to the glory of God. Can you date to the glory of God? If you cannot, then do not date.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-8

“It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality”

This scripture is very plain. There is no wiggle room. I have heard too many excuses and too many single people who claim to be Christians explain to me why this is impossible.

If you avoid opportunities, make yourself accountable to a few trustworthy persons of your own gender, guard your heart, and genuinely ask God for His strength in this area, you can avoid sexual immorality, even in this sexually permeated society. With God all things are possible.

1 Timothy 5:1b-2

“Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity”

This is the scripture we quote a lot at events and put on most of our communications. If you ever need the short answer on how you should treat members of the opposite sex, there is your answer.

Actually all of these have practical benefits as well. We will get into those more in later posts.

How To Date Like A Christian Part 2 What is Dating?

Okay, so now we have a definition for what a date is.

What about dating? What does that mean?

While I was single people were constantly asking, “Are you dating yet?”

Does that mean, do you regularly go out on dates?

Does it mean, are you in a “steady” or “dating” relationship?

As with the term date, it means different things to different people depending on the context. It can mean simply going on planned outings with members of the opposite sex. But, more than likely when people ask if you are dating they are asking if you are in a relationship with someone.

For our purposes, again being to be successfully single and to date like a christian, I believe that if your intention is to eventually marry, and if you are ready emotionally and spiritually for it (more on that in a later post about “When Should I Date”) you probably should be dating (more on that in a later post about “Should I Date”). By that I mean you should probably to be going out on friendly, non-romantic dates (more on that in a later post on “How Should I Date”) with safe persons of the opposite sex (more on that in a later post on “Who Should I Date”).

Again I cannot say it often enough, where people get into trouble is that they are way too quick to get into a romantic dating relationship with someone. Most of the time they do not know the person well enough and most of the time they get into it for all the wrong reasons (more on that in a later post about “Why Should I Date”).

In his book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” Joshua Harris lists several problems with the way most people go about dating.

One of the biggest problems is that it can become a long term substitute for marriage or a “marriage lite”. People tend to settle for this and put off marriage because it fulfills the need for a certain level of intimacy without the bonds of a lifelong commitment.

Another problem is that for people our age it can all too easily lead to sexual immorality. We are by design relational and sexual creatures. Given the opportunity, most of us will move in that direction. Further more, most of us have been married before or have otherwise experienced sexual intimacy (probably in a dating relationship). What would have been considered making out when we were younger, or getting to whatever “base”, is now simply what our body and emotions regard as foreplay and leaves us craving sexual gratification.

Another problem is that a deep enough emotional and (all too often inappropriate) physical intimacy is reached that breaking it off is very painful, both for you and the other person. How many more times do you want to have your heart broken or break someone else' heart before you find the right one, the one with whom you can share a lifetime.

Which leads me to the final problem I want to mention here, people tend to go from one such relationship to the next and the next , etc. etc., leaving behind them a trail of needless pain.

There is a better way.

The thing is, by putting off romance until much further down the line, you increase your chances of finding a spouse with whom you can enjoy true, pure passion and romance for a lifetime. Also, there is a lot to be said for delayed gratification. It will be so much sweeter when you finally do find the right relationship, even if it does take longer than you or those around you think it should.

To sum it up you probably should be dating - as in spending time with the other gender. You should not be dating - as in finding the most attractive person you think might also be attracted to you, working up a romance and seeing how far you can get with them.

How To Date Like A Christian Part 1 What is a Date?

Sometimes before you can move on to larger concepts you need to make sure of the basics. So before we go any further, let's define a few terms.

What is a date?

Is it a date when Jim asks Sally to go have a coffee with him?

Is it only a date if it is with someone for whom you have romantic feelings?

Is a “just friends” date a date?

According to Merriam-Webster a date is the oblong edible fruit of a palm. It is also defined as an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially : a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character.

I like the definition one of the experts in the DivorceCare series used. Logging time together communicating emotional energy is a date.

One lady said “if it takes you longer than five minutes to pick out an outfit, it's a date!”

I would like to suggest to you that for our purpose, learning to date like a Christian, we should define a date as simply an appointment to meet at a specific time. This definition fits in best with the concepts that I feel lead to thriving as a single.

As for the “often has a romantic character” part of the definition, let's forget about that for a while. One of the main reasons I have seen people mess up in their season of singleness and endure needless heartbreak is that they are much too quick to get romantic with someone.

I hate to sound so unromantic, especially since I am such a romantic at heart, but the time for romance is much further down the line.

The way I see it, going on dates is not for romance, but for learning about a specific person, or the opposite sex in general, and learning about yourself, your likes, your dislikes, and how you feel around different types of people. In the process you may end up discovering some surprising things about yourself, the opposite sex, and what type of a person you really want to be around for the rest of your life.

So, the first step in dating like a Christian is to understand what a date should and should not be, and to put dating in its proper context.