Thrive Fun & Game Night

Bring Food. Bring Friends. Have fun.

This is a great opportunity to get rid of our Thanksgiving leftovers share a wonderful Thanksgiving meal together.

November 27th
7:00 pm - 11:00 pm
at The Lighthouse

Surviving The Holidays

Sunday November 14th
2:00 pm
at Todd & Anita's Home

After a divorce or during a separation the holiday season
can be a time of great struggle and even depression. We
will look at some strategies for handling the holidays and
building new traditions. This event will replace our Bible
study for November. It is for single and separated people
and is meant to build momentum going into our next
session of DivorceCare which will begin Sunday, January
9th.

Please pass this information on to everyone you know
who is divorced or separated.

Dating Like A Christian Part 5 When Should I Date?

A good thing at the wrong time … is a bad thing.

Sleep is a good thing. While you are driving it is a bad thing.

Singing is a good thing. While at the library it is a bad thing.

A phone call from an old friend is a good thing. At 4:00 am it is a bad thing.

Sex is a good thing. When you are not married to the person it is a bad thing.

You get the idea. Going out on a date can be a very good thing. At the wrong time it can be a very bad thing. So how do you know when it is the right time to begin dating?

Let me start with the obvious. If you are separated, but not divorced, it is not the right time. To be ready to date you must be single, as in not married, as in your divorce is final, as in you are legally a single person in the eyes of God and the state. I hate to sound so dogmatic and black and white, but some things really are just that clear cut. You are either married or single. There really is no gray area here. If you are separated, you are still married. If you have been living apart for five years but cannot afford to finalize the divorce, you are still married. Do not date.

You also need to be emotionally divorced before you think about dating. Your divorce may be final, but do you still feel married? Is there still any chance that you can be reconciled to your ex? Are you still entertaining fantasies that they will someday realize how big a mistake they have made and come crawling back? Do good or bad thoughts of your ex still take up a lot of your thought life? You are not ready to begin dating.

I did not mean to gloss over the possibility of reconciliation. Actually that is a very big thing. For myself, I did not feel comfortable considering a relationship with someone else until my ex had remarried. In some cases however, such as abuse for instance, reconciliation may not be possible or desirable. I have seen a very small number of people come to their senses and turn their life around and completely reconcile. This is a small minority though, they are the exception, not the rule. Still, out of respect for God's ways and the sanctity of marriage it is a good idea not to rush, but allow some room and time for God to work in the other person's life. I know that I felt better having given it every opportunity. That way you end up with no “if only”-s and regrets about how you should have given it a little more time.

What about your personal growth? Ask yourself a few pointed questions:

Have you had enough time to heal up from the hurts in your last relationship? Most people do not want to hear this, but experts agree that it takes an average of five years to recover from a divorce. Some use the figure of one year for every four years in the relationship.

Have you thoroughly worked through all the issues in your last relationship? A long term relationship is a very tangled web that takes a while to dissect and thoroughly analyze objectively. At first you may vacillate back and forth between “it was all my fault” and “it was all their fault”. It takes some time and some work before you can see it accurately.

Do you really understand what was their fault and what was your fault? If it is still all their fault, they will repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship.

Have you taken full responsibility for what was your fault and have you taken solid steps to better yourself in those areas? If you have not experienced any growth since then, you are not ready to date.

Do you have a healthy, balanced self image based on Biblical truth, not thinking less of yourself or more highly of yourself than you should? Your worth is determined by your Maker and the price He paid to redeem you, not by your feelings, your circumstances, or by the value that others place on you. This truth should be burned into you before you attempt dating.

Are you content or are you needy or even desperate? Needy people make terrible dates. You should never date as one. You should never date one. Become healed, whole and healthy before attempting to date.

Do you feel the need to rescue and nurture or be rescued or nurtured? If you are looking for someone to be your savior, be your everything, and nurture and rescue you, you do not need a date, you need Jesus. If someone is looking for someone to be their savior, be their everything, and nurture and rescue them, they do not need you, they need Jesus.

Are you rushing into dating to prove something to your ex? Why would you ever let them determine your actions or the timing of your actions again? If you are not free of their opinion of you, you are not ready to date.

What about your children? Are they ready to see you with someone else? Will going out or being in a relationship take you away from your children physically or emotionally at the exact time when they need all of your time and attention that they can get? They have just been through a divorce too. Their world has been turned upside down through circumstances not of their choosing. They need time to stabilize before you introduce more changes into their lives.

I also believe that you are not ready to date until you have the whole dating thing in proper perspective. Dating is about trying to find someone you can spend a lifetime with, not about finding the most physically attractive person that you can attract. (See the previous post about 'Why Should I Date')

You should also have a strong sexual code of ethics firmly in place before you ever go out on your first date. If you do not you will fall to sexual temptation. We are by nature and by design sexual creatures. What as youths we called making out is now what we as adults call foreplay. If you play with fire you will get burned. I have seen this happen over and over again. Without a plan firmly in place it will happen to you, yes you.

For myself, I was not ready to be in a relationship until I realized that being single, being alone, is far better than being in another bad relationship.

Finally, please do not let anyone else determine when you are ready to start dating or be in a relationship. Do not begin until you are good and ready.